He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
