Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
