Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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