just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
