Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
