i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
