I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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