You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize