i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
