im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
