Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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