and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Randomize
