I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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