Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
