I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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