...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
