if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
