Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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