im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
