she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
