I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
