I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i love accidental penises.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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