I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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