If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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