ya dads aren't the best wingmen
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
