my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
