they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
