I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
