Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
