just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
