apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
