i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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