hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
