So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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