Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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