Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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