As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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