I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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