jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Send help, water and tortillas.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize