Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
