you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You made out with two different species that night
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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