I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
