Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
