kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
