oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
