I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
