i just wanna soil my oats bro
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
