I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
