I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
