I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Randomize
