my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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