In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize