some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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