Acid is not a monday night drug
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
