he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
