We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
