I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
