If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
