I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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