I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
