Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
love makes seman taste better
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
