I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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