You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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