I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
