she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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