I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
