Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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