he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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