Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
